I promise I’m not a sociopath. I think it’s perfectly normal for everyone to have murderous thoughts every now and then. As long as you don’t take them out on anyone or anything other than a soap bar carved to resemble your math teacher, you’re not doing anything wrong.
There’s nothing malicious, in my opinion, with having it out for a fictional character. I mean, let’s face it, some of them are dang annoying and would more than at least deserve a royal whooping just for existing if they were real people.
As a kid growing up watching too much TV in the ’90s and early ’00s, I ran into plenty of characters that earned a spot on my hit list. These are the top perpetrators, their sins, and the sentences I would happily dish out if I could.
Bobby (Bobby’s World)
Anyone remember this toon on Fox Kids (heck, does anyone remember Fox Kids?) about a kid with an overactive imagination? It was the brain child of comedian Howie Mandel (who voiced Bobby and his dad) and provided a stylized retelling of Mandel’s childhood.
Like a lot of shows I watched growing up, I really never liked Bobby’s World. When it came to Saturday morning cartoons, my brother and I had the habit of sitting through programming we didn’t care for in order to get to the good stuff. If we wanted to watch Life with Louie, we had to put up with Bobby’s World (I know, why didn’t we just turn off the TV for a while, right?).
Besides his high pitched nasally voice and smug grin, I think what ticks me off most about Bobby is that he takes his imagination too far. There’s one episode where he’s taking an exam and the teacher tells the class to “keep [their] eyes on the test.” He instantly starts imagining his eyes falling out of his sockets and bouncing around on the desk. He runs around trying to get them. By the time his hallucination is done, the time to take the test is over and he hasn’t answered a single question.
Week after week, I wanted nothing more than to choke the lights out of Bobby until his eyeballs really did fall out. Then, I’d cook them up and feed them to his overeating uncle, Ted (voiced by Tino Insana). Cruel and unusual? I don’t believe so.
Like a lot of kids from my generation, I was swept up into the Pokemon craze. Not only did I watch the cartoon religiously until Jhoto Journeys came and got rid of the awesome original opening theme; I collected cards for the card game I never learned to play.
Although, looking back, the show seems too drawn-out and cheesy to watch as an adult, there were plenty of things I still think are cool. Charizard, Mewtwo, Blastoise. Honestly, they should just make a movie about nothing but those three Pokemon fighting each other and destroying stuff.
But there was one thing I detested every week: Jigglypuff. I loathed him with a passion. Or her? I’m not sure, since most Pokemon appear to be gender neutral and are commonly referred to as “it” by humans.
I hate Jigglypuff’s appearance. He’s like Kirby accept he sucks (in a bad way, not the good way like Kirby). Just a big ball of grease.
But what I absolutely can’t stand is his narcissism. He sings the same lame, one-lyric song every single time and gets mad that people fall asleep. Granted, that’s the effect of his power. But come on guy, maybe if you practiced a different tune–perhaps some Elvis Costello–and people would be more willing to give you a listen.
I wanna take that sharpie he’s always marking people up with and shove it into his nose. Then take a needle and pop him like a balloon. I feel better just thinking about it.
P.S. Don’t believe me when I saw how awesome Kirby is? Just take a look at Perfect Kirby by John & Richie. That is without a doubt the definitive interpretation of the character. 😉
Oh, Rugrats. What a show! I feel kind of embarrassed now admitting that I liked that cartoon, but the truth is it was honestly quite good its first few seasons. There were always great inside jokes for adults (“Satchmo, you mean the trumpet player?” “Hello Chuckie, have you you been a good boy? Don’t you remember me? I’m your friend, Dr. Lecter.”)
With a show like this, you would think the main characters would be nothing but lame kiddie caricatures. Well, it did digress into that in later seasons. But at the start, the show did a really good job of making babies interesting and engaging. And the side characters were great, as well. I love how the dad was a failed wannabe inventor who was thrilled at the prospect of his toy winning $500 from a contest.
What got my blood boiling was Angelica. Sheesh. I mean, I get that her purpose in the show was to be the antagonist. The kind of person you love to hate (like Peggy Hill, who nearly earned a place on this list). But I think the show creators did that too well. Anyone who watches the show will literally want to punch her in the face at minimum for her arrogance and selfishness. What would I do if given half the chance?
I’d probably cover her in steak, tie her up to a tree, and let Spike (the Pickles’ family dog) maul her to oblivion. Then I’d melt her Cynthia doll just out of spite.
Deedee (Dexter’s Laboratory)
We’ve probably all watched Dexter’s Lab at some point, so I don’t need to go into a lot of detail here. Boy genius has a secret lab (I still wonder how he hid what was practically an entire city behind his bookcase), uses his intellect
for the benefit of mankind for his own selfish purposes, and has occasionally has adventures fighting giant monsters alongside superhero parodies.
Seriously, kids’ shows don’t get much better than this. However, maybe it’s just that I was projecting too much of myself onto the eponymous character, but I always wished they hadn’t him fail miserably so much. And the usual cause of his misery was his older sister, Deedee, an airhead blonde in a ballet tutu who found self-fulfillment in constantly destroying Dexter’s lab and frustrating his plans.
Here’s what I would do. I’d get Dexter’s dodgeball mech armor and slam Deedee with a thousand spherical pieces of red rubber until she’s black and blue. Then, I’d shrink her down to the size of a cockroach with a shrink-ray and squash her with a croquet mallet. I wonder why Dexter never thought of that.
The Kids from Recess (Recess)
This one is probably going to get me a lot of hate. That’s understandable considering the immense popularity of this cartoon. I get it. In fact, the idea of creating a whole society within school is really creative. And I enjoy a lot of the adventures the main gang of kids goes on.
I don’t really have too much against the kids, except that they’re so friggin’ stupid. Just not smart. I understand they’re in fourth grade, but I knew more than them when I was their age.
For instance, there’s a part in one episode when they state they don’t know what geometry is. There’s also an episode in which they find a $100 bill. They talk about splitting it between them (six ways), and each one imagines living the life of a millionaire. When I was a kid, I knew that having a c-note in the bank doesn’t make you rich, much less having $16.67. Maybe they should have spent more time studying instead of having their wacky weekly adventures.
I would pack them into their beloved Jungle Gym “Old Rusty” along with load of dynamite and blow them sky-high.
Alright, that’s enough morbidity for one day. Let me know in the comments below what cartoon characters irked you and what you would do if given the chance to act freely without legal ramifications.